We Could Use A Good Joke Wednesday

If you need a good laugh, hopefully you’ve come to the right place. Why not a bit of levity here in the middle of the week. The following were gathered from various sources, mostly from emails I’ve received.

Church Bulletin Bloopers

1. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."

2. Don't let worry kill you--let the church help.

3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

4. Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

5. Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's been using the program herself and has been growing like crazy!

6. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

10 Things You Never Hear in Church

1. Hey! It's MY turn to sit on the front pew!

2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went over time 25 minutes.

3. Personally, I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.

4. I've decided to give our church the $500.00 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.

5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.

6. Forget the denominational minimum salary: let's pay our pastor so s/he can live like we do.

7. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!

8. Since we're all here, let's start the worship service early!

9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.

10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!

Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied.

"Oh, well that's okay then!" said the boss. "Because after you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you!"

Three pastors went to the pastor convention and were all sharing one room. The first pastor said, "Let's confess our secret sins one to another. I'll start - my secret sin is I just love to gamble. When I go out of town, it's cha-ching cha-ching, let the machines ring."

The second pastor said, "My secret sin is that I just hate working. I copy all my sermons from those given by other pastors."

The third pastor said, "My secret sin is gossiping and, oh boy, I just can't wait to get out of this room!"

25 Phrases Of Wisdom

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

AND . . . (drum roll please?)

25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.